the Beardsmeal

658 Metropolitan Avenue
March 12, 2013




Beards, as anyone with eyes knows, are back in a big way. And big beards are back in a bigger way. But food-beards are something else entirely. “What is a food-beard?” I asked the Eli Hirschman, head chef of The Beardsmeal, Williamsburg's latest culinary offering along Metropolitan avenue.

“We're not always looking for new food, sometimes we're looking for a new way to eat. And right now that means food-beards. I guess?” Hirschman replied, while wearing an enormous ZZ Top beard made out noodles, and then dipping said beard into flavored sauces — soy sauce, or “Blackbeard”, a spicy sriracha sauce mix called “Red Beard”, and the “Blue Beard” which is a sad opera and spirited folktale about a man who kills women, and I mean, lots of them.

“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done,” one woman who was not killed by Blue Beard said, trying in vain to eat the curly french fry wreath that encircled her mouth, after having dipped this same beard in a spicy mustard sauce. “I think we’re supposed to eat each other's beards,” her companion offered hopefully.

Her cry of dismay and disgust still haunts me, although I am glad that I was able to at least feel something after having donning a beard made of phylo dough and spinach, an ineffective disguise and futile eating experience called The Spinach Chin.

“I think that the great thing about this is that soon it will be forgotten,” said Hirschman, picking the last of the noodles off his face, “Most people who ate here will figure it was some sort of dream or nightmare. My debt to the idiots who actually thought up and financed this place will be eventually paid off or forgotten. I can find a new life. I'll grow a beard, a real one, and start somewhere else. You're not writing any of this down, are you?”


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